Couple Recovery: Are We There Yet?
Joe wondered if he could ever be a good husband, he didn’t have much of a model in his own family. His father drank every night and fell asleep on the couch, his mother withdrew in angry desperation from her husband, and ultimately from the kids. Anna was angry with her partner, but she didn’t have a clue how to handle that anger. Her mother always told her to “Let things go, don’t make things worse”. Anna’s father was alcoholic who would go into rages; her mother did her best to protect her kids from his anger. Leo’s mother and father both were alcoholic. Family events like dinners, celebrations, birthdays, and vacations would always start off well with laughter and hugs, but would inevitably end up in disaster after both parents would over drink and begin picking on each other and the kids. Leo found himself always feeling anxious at dinner time; he avoided conflict and found himself withdrawing from his wife when she seemed upset.
Joe, Anna, and Leo struggle not knowing what “normal is” in their couple and family relationships. Since beginning recovery with their spouses, each of the couples have been working on establishing new ways of being with other and have begun to make progress. Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships is a helpful blue print, not for the question of what is normal, but rather, what works in relationships. We know that couples that stay together and are happy are more positive with each other, manage conflict in a gentle way, and basically treat their partner like a good friend. What does it take to do that when you have a difficult family history as your only model of relationship?
My research with recovering couples who have learned to make changes in their relationships have incorporated two important steps in their relationships: 1. Identify unhealthy patterns of relating in their own family of origin that have seeped into their current relationships 2. Disidentify with that pattern, realizing that they actually have choices in how they interact. This last process is “shedding” the past unhealthy patterns, but it happens only after recognizing it.
All of this takes time, a willingness to look at and talk about family history, and a willingness to try new behaviors with your partner. Healthy couple recovery is an ongoing process, there is no final stage or destination per say, it’s more like continuing to work on the things that bring you closer and help you manage differences. That is what we learned from Gottman’s research - good relationships are a work in progress. We will continue to explore how couples have made significant changes in their relationships, shedding the past and creating new ways of being together.
Tags: couple recovery