Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There!
The blog title comes from Dr. John Gottman’s lecture on the importance of listening when our partner is sharing something important. Many people in recovery report how difficult it is to sit with their own emotions, much less their partners emotions. So when our partner expresses worry, grief, or anger we tend to respond with our wonderful words of wisdom; solutions, answers, defensiveness and so on . We then get surprised when our partner becomes angry with us for sharing our thoughtful and sometimes even brilliant insights, “Hey, what is wrong with you, I’m just trying to help here!”
Men tend to problem solve when “listening”, women tend to take on their partner’s problems. Of course these are generalities, but the point here is that what is usually needed is neither of the above responses. So you may ask, “OK, what works better?
I learned through my research that couples with long-term recovery and who were happy in their relationships simply listened, or as one research participant said, “I want to be a witness to my partner’s emotions”. By this she meant a silent witness who remained present and attentive, and who provided emotional support for her partner through the silence. She didn’t need to fix things or to take them on as her problems, this approach fostered intimacy and closeness in a powerful and in a predictable way.
It’s not a coincidence that the very first skill therapists in training take in counselor school is listening, however, you certainly don’t need to be a therapist to be an effective listener; It only takes 3 steps:
- Don’t talk (this is harder than you think)
- Communicate nonverbally that you are listening (head nodding, eye contact, “um hmm’s”, etc.)
- Actually remember what your partner says
That’s it, so unless our partner is asking for more, try defaulting to this approach and see what happens.
Tags: communication