Shame: Toxic to Relationships
Paul and Alice were struggling in their relationship. I started working with them after Paul got into recovery from alcoholism and a gambling addiction. Alice was in individual therapy and attending Al-Anon, Paul attended AA and Gamblers Anonymous (GA). We had been meeting for two months when the therapy session focused on how they both felt distant from each other, and recalled how things used to be. We talked about what things were like for them during better times.
They had a lot of history together, many positive times, some painful times. As Paul’s addictions progressed, the negative overtook the positive in the relationship. Recovery is a process and healing takes time. We talked about how important is to share with your partner what you appreciate about the partner, what you like about their qualities. Dr. John Gottman’s research on couples uncovered a very important finding: managing conflict and dealing with the painful parts of the relationship goes much better when there is a foundation of positivity in the relationship. All this means is not just focusing on the negative, and the hurt, but remembering and acknowledging the positive. Even in the most distressed relationships I found that when couples are able to tap into something positive to say to their partner, things go better and actually make dealing with the difficult issues go a bit more easily.
In the session I asked each person to share several things they appreciated about the partner. They had not heard anything positive from the other person in such a long time that they both felt moved by the sincere appreciations that were shared. Paul then said that he felt it was hard to hear anything positive from Alice, he felt shame about how his addictions had damaged their relationship. We discussed those feelings, but also focused on how important it is to put toxic shame in the box of “Not Helpful” because shame is about feeling that there is something wrong with who we are, not that what we did. Paul grew up in a very toxic family, he heard messages his entire life that he was defective and bad. Guilt helps keep is from getting off track from the things we value or the beliefs we have - that is healthy.
Paul heard the difference between toxic shame and guilt, and is working on it. He is trying to let the positive appreciations sink in, and this is good for Paul and for the relationship. It will help Paul and Alice deal with other things and keep a perspective of accountability, not despicability - a huge difference.
Tags: recovering couples, shame