Recovering Couples

When an alcoholic/addict commits to sobriety then ends up using again despite that intention, that is a relapse. Thoughts of using, fantasies of “one more time”, or using dreams, aren’t relapses, but one should pay attention to those warning signs.

What about relationships, what are the warning signs that a couple might be on a potential relapse track, meaning the relationship is headed toward increasing distress? Like recovery for addiction, consistency in the relationship is important. The data lets us know that over 80% of the time couples end up divorcing because of feeling emotionally distant. This happens over time, and like the insidious relapse path in addiction, a series of events tend to point to increased likelihood for a bad outcome.  

What to look for in relationships? Here is a short list and examples to watch out for: spending less time together, simply too busy; feeling increasingly irritable with your partner, snapping easily; being under a lot of stress; not communicating regularly; recurring negative thought about your partner; not feeling emotionally close; not feeling appreciated.

If you are aware of several of these occurring over more than several days, it is time to do something to get back on track. What you do is going to depend on a number of factors. If nothing else, you might consider sharing with your partner, without blaming, that you are not feeling as close as you would like. Discuss some ways that you both could change that. Left undone, those warning signs might get worse.

You also might talk with your partner about what each of you identify as “warning signs”, and discuss what you might do about it when you notice them. Being proactive and taking care of your needs isn’t easy for many people in recovery, so do your best to try to figure out what is happening and what you need - remember - “Progress not perfection”.

There are many paths to recovery; one size does not fit all. One path is inpatient treatment. As a therapist working with couples before and after inpatient treatment I have found a glaring difficulty for many of the couples: they are on completely different paths from each other. The following are “composites” of the stories I have heard from couples when a partner has been in rehab.

John was admitted to an out of state “name brand” rehab unit. His partner, Mary, initially received a telephone call from the case worker to get some information about the family, and Mary was given information about family week. John was in treatment for over 70 days, during which time Mary’s phone calls to the program were essentially ignored and no further contact from them was made until family week, two days before John’s scheduled discharge. Their response to her anxiety about what happens after inpatient treatment: “Go to Al-Anon and work on your own program”. 

Alan wondered why the family therapist at the program that his wife was admitted to keep talking about his contribution to her drinking, and how he needed to support her in new ways. While he felt this was a very important thing to discuss, he wondered why nobody seemed interested in how his wife’s alcoholism of the last 11 years has affected him and their family. He was told to work his own program, which Alan was willing to do, but Alan also wanted to know how they could deal issues as a couple. There were a lot of responsibilities and issues that still needed to be addressed: their son’s school difficulties, finances, and her parents intrusion into their lives, to name a few. He was told to put these issues on hold for now.

Carol didn’t understand why Jim had to go to so many AA meetings, after all, he stopped drinking and she needed him to help out more at home and with the kids: she felt depleted. Jim was panicked, Carol was pressuring him to not go to the Thursday night meeting, Jimmy needed help with homework. This was his home meeting and the place he felt he got the most support after leaving the hospital. It felt like a no win situation to the both of them

These different paths need to be identified, named, and explored, creating a dialogue around the impact of addiction and recovery on the relationship. It is important that partners work their own program and get support for themselves outside of the relationship. The piece worth adding is: How can couples support each other’s recoveries and at the same time not sacrifice their own?

Couple recovery means at the very least acknowledging that there are three concurrent recoveries: Each person’s individual recovery, and the couple relationship in the context of recovery. My belief is that treatment programs too often heavily emphasize the addiction recovery, they suggest recovery for the other person, and completely ignore the couple relationship. It’s time to look at the bigger picture and all the challenging questions that come with that awareness: How can we best support people in their recoveries and in their relationships?