Recovering Couples

Ron had been in recovery from alcoholism for several months. He had been going to AA, had a sponsor, and spoke about his commitment to recovery and how important it was to him. It was Friday night and Ron was going to his 7:00 PM meeting again, stating that a small group was going out for coffee after the meeting. Cindy supported Ron’s involvement with AA, she didn’t really like giving up Friday nights - it used to be their night - but she realized that his recovery program was important.

At 10:00 PM Ron still wasn’t home. She tried to reassure herself that everything was probably fine, but a familiar, creeping feeling of fear and dread began a relentless path in Cindy’s mind. She tried watching television, working with her favored Sudoku puzzle, and self-reassurances, but by 10:40 she was feeling angry, upset, and physically sick. She tried calling Ron on his cell, but it rolled to voice mail. She tried several more times with the same outcome.

At 10:50 Ron calmly walked in announcing his arrival. Cindy carefully scanned him for everything she knew and had experienced when he had been drinking. She went through the check list, looking for tell-tale signs of drinking that she knew so well: they weren’t there. What should Cindy do? Everything in her felt danger, how should she manage that feeling?

Ron immediately picked up on her upset and apologized for not calling. His cell battery was dead, but he admitted he should have called her. He stated it was a great meeting, and that the group continued their discussion in the restaurant over their coffees and dessert.

When a partner fears that their partner has relapsed - either with a substance or with co-dependency - use the “soft start” technique to express your feelings and state what you need. Dr. Gottman’s research on what works in how to raise a problem or concern led him to discover that couples who mange difficult conversations tend to start the conversations with a description of what happened, how they felt about what happened, and what they want. Cindy could say this, “Ron when you stayed out later than I thought and I didn’t hear from you or couldn’t reach you on your cell phone, I was worried and scared that you might be drinking again. I need to know, did you?” Cindy could go on to say that what she needed in the future is for him to call if he is going to be late.

Some would argue that this is co-dependent, checking to see if the partner is drinking. What I have learned is that if couples can own their fears, talk about them and ask for what they need, then these fears don’t build up. Ron and Cindy are learning to simply be honest with those feelings and needs, not control the other.

Ron acknowledged and honored Cindy’s feelings and her request for reassurance and enough details about the evening to understand what happened. He could have gotten angry or defensive, but he didn’t, so the event was dealt with, repair happened, and they drew a bit closer as a result. This helps to build trust, the ability to express and be heard.            

The blog title comes from Dr. John Gottman’s lecture on the importance of listening when our partner is sharing something important. Many people in recovery report how difficult it is to sit with their own emotions, much less their partners emotions. So when our partner expresses worry, grief, or anger we tend to respond with our wonderful words of wisdom; solutions, answers, defensiveness and so on . We then get surprised when our partner becomes angry with us for sharing our thoughtful and sometimes even brilliant insights, “Hey, what is wrong with you, I’m just trying to help here!”

Men tend to problem solve when “listening”, women tend to take on their partner’s problems. Of course these are generalities, but the point here is that what is usually needed is neither of the above responses. So you may ask, “OK, what works better?

I learned through my research that couples with long-term recovery and who were happy in their relationships simply listened, or as one research participant said, “I want to be a witness to my partner’s emotions”. By this she meant a silent witness who remained present and attentive, and who provided emotional support for her partner through the silence. She didn’t need to fix things or to take them on as her problems, this approach fostered intimacy and closeness in a powerful and in a predictable way.

It’s not a coincidence that the very first skill therapists in training take in counselor school is listening, however, you certainly don’t need to be a therapist to be an effective listener; It only takes 3 steps:

1. Don’t talk (this is harder than you think)
2. Communicate nonverbally that you are listening (head nodding, eye contact, “um hmm’s”, etc.)
3. Actually remember what your partner says

That’s it, so unless our partner is asking for more, try defaulting to this approach and see what happens.