Recovering Couples

There have been many studies over the years on the impact of alcoholism on couples and on families, but nobody had ever asked the question: What is normal in family recovery processes? That changed in 1989 when Stephanie Brown, Ph.D. and Virginia Lewis, Ph.D. joined forces as founders and Co-Directors of the Family Recovery Project. Sponsored by the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto, the Family Recovery Project was the first research project to study recovery processes in the family with varying lengths of recovery time, asking the question: What is normal?

Drs. Brown and Lewis studied families with varying lengths of recovery ranging from two months to 18 years, interviewing and videotaping the 52 volunteer families who also filled out a number of paper and pencil tests. What did they find out? The following is a brief overview:

1. Moving from active addiction to recovery often comes on the heals of a lot of instability in the family - which preceeds change. The old family system needs to collapse; letting go of old ways of functioning allows for a new life, not regaining the old one
2. Recovery is a long-term, multileveled process effecting individual development, family development, and the family environment - it is more than simply not drinking
3. Recovery is a huge transition for families in that so many changes take place, this usually means learning how to adjust and cope with a new set of problems and challenges 
4. Recovery is a long-term process with different developmental issues associated with transitioning from active alcoholism to early recovery, and to long-term recovery 
5. Finally, Brown & Lewis emphasize the importance for families to get help, reaching outside of the family to learn new ways of relating, of caring for self and incorporating recovery into individual and family life

What Brown and Lewis emphasize is that a lot of the difficulties couples and families experience in alcoholism recovery is normal! While It is painful when denial starts to crack around the reality of one’s addiciton or around the partner’s addiction, awareness of the realities of alcoholism creates an opening for change. Since individual and family development tends to come to a screetching halt in active addiction, recovery is the process to move forward again: focusing on one’s own needs, redefining relationships, learning to manage feelings, and creating new ways of dealing with the eveyday responsibiliites of life.   This is a lot of change, but as one person recently told me, “Recovery is hard, but it is better than being numb, I want to live life, not hide from it.” 

My doctoral dissertation was based on a separate component of the Family Recovery Project, the “Couples Focus Group”. In that research effort, the question was: What leads to successful couple recovery? I have continued this research as a Research Associate at Mental Research Institute and as Co-Founder with Dr. Lewis of Center for Couples In Recovery. Next time I will review my research findings on what I found out.   As always, questions and comments are welcome. 

Ron had been in recovery from alcoholism for several months. He had been going to AA, had a sponsor, and spoke about his commitment to recovery and how important it was to him. It was Friday night and Ron was going to his 7:00 PM meeting again, stating that a small group was going out for coffee after the meeting. Cindy supported Ron’s involvement with AA, she didn’t really like giving up Friday nights - it used to be their night - but she realized that his recovery program was important.

At 10:00 PM Ron still wasn’t home. She tried to reassure herself that everything was probably fine, but a familiar, creeping feeling of fear and dread began a relentless path in Cindy’s mind. She tried watching television, working with her favored Sudoku puzzle, and self-reassurances, but by 10:40 she was feeling angry, upset, and physically sick. She tried calling Ron on his cell, but it rolled to voice mail. She tried several more times with the same outcome.

At 10:50 Ron calmly walked in announcing his arrival. Cindy carefully scanned him for everything she knew and had experienced when he had been drinking. She went through the check list, looking for tell-tale signs of drinking that she knew so well: they weren’t there. What should Cindy do? Everything in her felt danger, how should she manage that feeling?

Ron immediately picked up on her upset and apologized for not calling. His cell battery was dead, but he admitted he should have called her. He stated it was a great meeting, and that the group continued their discussion in the restaurant over their coffees and dessert.

When a partner fears that their partner has relapsed - either with a substance or with co-dependency - use the “soft start” technique to express your feelings and state what you need. Dr. Gottman’s research on what works in how to raise a problem or concern led him to discover that couples who mange difficult conversations tend to start the conversations with a description of what happened, how they felt about what happened, and what they want. Cindy could say this, “Ron when you stayed out later than I thought and I didn’t hear from you or couldn’t reach you on your cell phone, I was worried and scared that you might be drinking again. I need to know, did you?” Cindy could go on to say that what she needed in the future is for him to call if he is going to be late.

Some would argue that this is co-dependent, checking to see if the partner is drinking. What I have learned is that if couples can own their fears, talk about them and ask for what they need, then these fears don’t build up. Ron and Cindy are learning to simply be honest with those feelings and needs, not control the other.

Ron acknowledged and honored Cindy’s feelings and her request for reassurance and enough details about the evening to understand what happened. He could have gotten angry or defensive, but he didn’t, so the event was dealt with, repair happened, and they drew a bit closer as a result. This helps to build trust, the ability to express and be heard.            

Addiction is described as a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease; the impact on relationships is devastating. When a partner is addicted, everything in the relationship changes. When the addict/alcoholic is in the middle of the disease denial buffers the addicted person from acknowledging the reality of their addiction and how it is affecting those around them. It is hard for partners to understand why their loved one doesn’t see the damage or do something about it. It seems so clear, yet, there often is tremendous resistance and anger directed at the non addicted partner. 

In Wikianswer.com, being behind the 8-ball is described as this: “In the game of pool, the 8-ball is the last ball a player must sink in order to win the game. However, until he or she has sunk all the rest of the balls (i.e. 1 through 7 or 9 through 15), touching the 8-ball with the cue ball is considered a foul stroke. Therefore, one is said to be ‘behind the 8-ball’, it means to be stuck in a position where any move will have a negative result — to be trapped with no way forward.” If you are in this situation, I imagine this sounds and feels familiar. I call this the “8-Ball Dynamic” because in active addiction, addicts often are very skilled at putting their partners behind the 8-ball: Efforts to get help, or address problems in the relationship, or simply trying to enlist support to manage the responsibilities of  life are met with anger, blocks, challenges, and obstacles of all sorts.

It is important for partners to understand that the drug of choice (or addictive behavior) is the primary relationship for the addict. When someone is in the middle of their addiction, reason and judgment are impaired. The biological impact of chemicals on brain functioning and the psychological mechanisms of denial, projection of blame, and minimization all serve to keep the addict from accepting the reality of addiction. 

I worked in a drug and alcohol treatment program years ago and learned that the staff could never really tell initially who was going to be successful or drop out of the program. Those patients that at first looked motivated could still relapse. Those most resistant to treatment sometimes proved to be the poster child for addiction recovery. We never know what will happen; people can come to that place of “surrender” and suddenly “get it”. In the meantime, all that one can do is to focus on taking care of themselves. Get help and support, go to Al-Anon and/or other support groups. Remember you can’t control your partner, no matter how loving or how angry you get. Recognize the “8-ball dynamic” for what it is, a symptom of active addiction. Don’t buy into the blame or accusations of why the addict is using, instead try to focus on help for yourself. It is a hard thing to do, but you don’t have to stay behind that 8-ball.