Recovering Couples

When an alcoholic/addict commits to sobriety then ends up using again despite that intention, that is a relapse. Thoughts of using, fantasies of “one more time”, or using dreams, aren’t relapses, but one should pay attention to those warning signs.

What about relationships, what are the warning signs that a couple might be on a potential relapse track, meaning the relationship is headed toward increasing distress? Like recovery for addiction, consistency in the relationship is important. The data lets us know that over 80% of the time couples end up divorcing because of feeling emotionally distant. This happens over time, and like the insidious relapse path in addiction, a series of events tend to point to increased likelihood for a bad outcome.  

What to look for in relationships? Here is a short list and examples to watch out for: spending less time together, simply too busy; feeling increasingly irritable with your partner, snapping easily; being under a lot of stress; not communicating regularly; recurring negative thought about your partner; not feeling emotionally close; not feeling appreciated.

If you are aware of several of these occurring over more than several days, it is time to do something to get back on track. What you do is going to depend on a number of factors. If nothing else, you might consider sharing with your partner, without blaming, that you are not feeling as close as you would like. Discuss some ways that you both could change that. Left undone, those warning signs might get worse.

You also might talk with your partner about what each of you identify as “warning signs”, and discuss what you might do about it when you notice them. Being proactive and taking care of your needs isn’t easy for many people in recovery, so do your best to try to figure out what is happening and what you need - remember - “Progress not perfection”.